Good-byes are hard. I've finally managed to figure that out - after 21 years. It doesn't matter whether you part with a parent, friend, lover...or even a place. It's always hard. Think: tears, letters inundated with promises to keep in touch, good-bye presents, love letters, and heartfelt prayers, to name a few. However, in my opinion, the hardest part isn't the ACTUAL ACT leaving, but is the post-departure emotional baggage you carry. Oh my. What seem like millions of tons of the most pre-historic rocks plunked mercilessly on your back, indeed, show no mercy. This may seem to sound like a sweeping generalization, so I do concede that some are luckier than others in this department. Unfortunately, I wasn't one of those fortunate few. From that experience-I-wish-I-never-have-to-go-through-again, I finally understood what people meant when they said, "We need closure."
I finally understood.
I want to dedicate this post to a person who, despite the shit that was thrown at my face, stood by me through the good and the bad. Names aren't necessary. I don't think they ever are.
My mixed feelings hit me really hard; they don't make sense. Too many people have come up to me and, have literally, asked me what the fuck i'm doing in such a relationship...why did i ever even get into something like it? i honestly, to this day, don't have an answer. Blind love? Neediness? Support? Ease? Comfort? Emotions? I sometimes wonder what the point of all of it is: is it worth the emotional desecration; the conflicts, the lack of freedom and the attempts to break imposed bounds? I've always known myself to be a free soul; I don't like being told what to do- an issue with authority, if you may. But I've realised that when you're in a particular situation where constantly under a certain pressure, you adapt yourself to deal with it. In my case, I've, if it's politically correct to say, mis-adapted. I feel an aversion to relationships forming within me, a need to get out and control everything and everyone around me- a need to dominate. I think it's the ungrateful selfish bitch inside of me trying to overtake my life once again. I'd drowned her out of my consciousness for a long time; I'd learnt my lesson but now that I feel like I have control over a person- a ruthlessly whipped control- my id impulses return, stronger than ever.
I think it's pretty unfair of me to be communicating such a negative picture of my relationship. To be honest, despite the shit- the anger, the fights, the clinginess etc- I honestly don't think someone will ever do justice to the love I have received in these past 2 years. Selfless love. Sacrificing love. Incomparable to a great extent. I feel like a princess. I love it. That's my selfish side speaking. But don't get me wrong, I love him. The question is, in what capacity? As the best friend I've always known him to be, or as the boyfriend who has been the highlight of my life for the past 2 years? That's pretty much the crux of the dilemma I've been facing for a while now. I'm a pussy when it comes to break ups. I think we've had multiple break ups till now- but there's always that argument and that annoyingly strong attachment that I have for him that doesn't let me run very far. The decision is something that is smack in my face; implementation is a sucker. If I could have it my way, I'd turn back time- go back to Toronto/Montreal and undo every little mistake I made that has led me to be sitting here writing a weirdly confused blog entry. A little too late, yeah?
Long distance can be a bitch. But I've always felt like I would do a good job at it- and I have. And I've only done it because I love him (friend or boyfriend?). But now I'm at a point where I'm not sure if I can do this any longer. I crave something new- i crave to explore and discover myself and the situation that I am right now doesn't permit me to do that wholeheartedly. I need to broaden my horizons, find myself- I'm too young to be tied down with something I know doesn't have a future. I need to learn more about the world around me and the reconnect with people who I've cut off from my life because of him. It's unhealthy. I miss my best friends. I miss my life outside a relationship. I miss being 16.
My mind's made up. I know what to do. I know it's going to hurt you, but I think I've hurt you enough. It's time to stop this. It's time to say goodbye.
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