There are things our hearts long to do, experience and feel. These are strong urges which often blind us from seeing reality; they sugar coat the truth that we should see and, at the end of the day, leave us high and dry wondering why we didn't know any better previously. We mourn our lack of maturity and self-control- we cry, bleed emotion and make false promises to ourselves with great vehemence to put an end to it....but to what end?
A couple of days later, we're back to square one: hurting ourselves in the same way we'd promised ourselves we wouldn't ever again; more regretful than ever.
So why don't we put an end to this emotionally-suicidal rat race we call pleasure?
We don't know it yet, but we're just waiting for the day it comes and hurts us beyond repair.
We're living a treacherous life. It's dangerous. We're just too stupid turn it around.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Hypnotize you
"Just close your eyes let me hypnotize you; I can make your stormy feel sky blue" sounds just about perfect right now.
Her versus You
I don't speak to You very often anymore. I'm sorry. But there's something about Your Name that makes my lips crumple and my eyes bleed salt.
Or maybe its the way she hums Your Name as she tries to put me to sleep at night. I haven't heard that melody in a very long time... but I'd like to oh so badly...
I promise I'll sleep if You promise to tell her to sing to me once again...
It's been too long...
I can't always be this strong.
Or maybe its the way she hums Your Name as she tries to put me to sleep at night. I haven't heard that melody in a very long time... but I'd like to oh so badly...
I promise I'll sleep if You promise to tell her to sing to me once again...
It's been too long...
I can't always be this strong.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
For her
As it tears her apart, it brings this family together.
Who knew that this is what it would take?
Map me out, why don't you?
Maps don't represent reality, afterall. We dedicate the majority of our elementary geography classes learning how to understand and interpret them, but at the end of the day, I've come to realise that they're as baseless as anything else that has been subjectively created. We think science is our objective reality but we forget that science is a product of human intelligence, and is thus, in more ways than one, biased. There are many ways one can look at it, whether it be from a sociological, religious, historical or socio-economic perspective, but at the end of the day, some sort of criticism will remain evident.
We think we've developed as a race- we claim to have become more intellectually evolved, racially diverse, culturally accepting amongst other fallacies- but, because we are, at the end of the day we are as ethnocentric and self-serving as it comes. Maps play a big role in determing our world-view (literally). It's very unconscious and subliminal (think: Disney), but it's enough to materialise certain conceptions. Why is the north pole situated at the top of the world map and the south pole at the bottom? Why does the equator determine what is “above” and “below” it- why are some countries to it's north and others to it's south? What significance do the projected sizes of certain countries and continents have on those studying the map? Why is Europe and West Africa in the center and Australia and South America at the bottom- could there be a causal link with discrimination due to this? Is possible to get an accurate picture of the world through a map considering one has to trace 27,000 spherical miles onto a standard, flat piece of paper? These are some of the concerns many people, including myself, have had with maps such as the The Mercator projection. Some critics say that it was a convenient way for Europeans to maintain their colonial foothold with the size of their continent on a map whilst reducing the size of underdeveloped nations. It is nteresting to see that the Equator is placed 2/3 of the way down the map rather than halfway down causing Europe seeming larger than South America (which in reality is twice the size of Europe); Alaska is shown to be thrice as large as Mexico, although the latter is the larger of the two; and finally, Greenland is drawn larger than China (China is actually four times larger than Greenland).
Such faults and ethnocentric views make me question what we're being taught....and how we've subliminally accepted “universal truths”. Before this, I had never questioned the authenticity of a world map- to me it was plain science; but now that I think about it, there IS no objective reality. I can construct a map the way I'd like to project it. I could place Pakistan at it's center, magnify it's size, change it's colour to make it look more attractive- and who knows, it could be the start of a new, healthy way people perceive us as a people, culture and geographical entity. Instead, we've followed whatever that has been set down to us. Reality is how you perceive it- no one can see Earth in it's full entity even from space- you'll only ever see the half which faces you.
It's interesting to wonder and questions the smallest of things that we've been taught- conspiracy theory much?. How can set the biased away from the unbiased, the subliminal from the conscious and the good intentions from the bad? How do we set ourselves apart and try to define ourselves the same way others have done so? It angers me that the makers of these biased maps have succeeded in making the rest of the world see what they want us to see; and we, instead of actively questioning what we are being taught, internalise it instead. It makes me think of the maps which distort political boundaries between countries, for example, India and Pakistan. In most world maps, you will now find Kashmir added to the Indian boundary, leaving Pakistan with a cut out semi circle at it's northen pole. Similarly, Iraq and Kuwait fought over whether Kuwait was a part of Iraqi land due to a map laid out by Europeans in the early 1920's which had instated an erroneous border line between the two countries. Are these ways to accomplish and cover certain agendas certain agencies have in mind? Could many of our problems today be solved just by editing a stupid map that we've been staring at for innumerable centuries?
Food for thought, not just for us as individuals, but also as a nation that has been living in obscurity for much too long.
We think we've developed as a race- we claim to have become more intellectually evolved, racially diverse, culturally accepting amongst other fallacies- but, because we are, at the end of the day we are as ethnocentric and self-serving as it comes. Maps play a big role in determing our world-view (literally). It's very unconscious and subliminal (think: Disney), but it's enough to materialise certain conceptions. Why is the north pole situated at the top of the world map and the south pole at the bottom? Why does the equator determine what is “above” and “below” it- why are some countries to it's north and others to it's south? What significance do the projected sizes of certain countries and continents have on those studying the map? Why is Europe and West Africa in the center and Australia and South America at the bottom- could there be a causal link with discrimination due to this? Is possible to get an accurate picture of the world through a map considering one has to trace 27,000 spherical miles onto a standard, flat piece of paper? These are some of the concerns many people, including myself, have had with maps such as the The Mercator projection. Some critics say that it was a convenient way for Europeans to maintain their colonial foothold with the size of their continent on a map whilst reducing the size of underdeveloped nations. It is nteresting to see that the Equator is placed 2/3 of the way down the map rather than halfway down causing Europe seeming larger than South America (which in reality is twice the size of Europe); Alaska is shown to be thrice as large as Mexico, although the latter is the larger of the two; and finally, Greenland is drawn larger than China (China is actually four times larger than Greenland).
Such faults and ethnocentric views make me question what we're being taught....and how we've subliminally accepted “universal truths”. Before this, I had never questioned the authenticity of a world map- to me it was plain science; but now that I think about it, there IS no objective reality. I can construct a map the way I'd like to project it. I could place Pakistan at it's center, magnify it's size, change it's colour to make it look more attractive- and who knows, it could be the start of a new, healthy way people perceive us as a people, culture and geographical entity. Instead, we've followed whatever that has been set down to us. Reality is how you perceive it- no one can see Earth in it's full entity even from space- you'll only ever see the half which faces you.
It's interesting to wonder and questions the smallest of things that we've been taught- conspiracy theory much?. How can set the biased away from the unbiased, the subliminal from the conscious and the good intentions from the bad? How do we set ourselves apart and try to define ourselves the same way others have done so? It angers me that the makers of these biased maps have succeeded in making the rest of the world see what they want us to see; and we, instead of actively questioning what we are being taught, internalise it instead. It makes me think of the maps which distort political boundaries between countries, for example, India and Pakistan. In most world maps, you will now find Kashmir added to the Indian boundary, leaving Pakistan with a cut out semi circle at it's northen pole. Similarly, Iraq and Kuwait fought over whether Kuwait was a part of Iraqi land due to a map laid out by Europeans in the early 1920's which had instated an erroneous border line between the two countries. Are these ways to accomplish and cover certain agendas certain agencies have in mind? Could many of our problems today be solved just by editing a stupid map that we've been staring at for innumerable centuries?
Food for thought, not just for us as individuals, but also as a nation that has been living in obscurity for much too long.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
What.....?
As the rain pours down battering us down shitless, I look up towards the sky- it's pretty mad at me. It knows what I've done...what I do..and what I will probably continue doing. It's beautiful- there's an absence of fear in my soul somehow. I remember it being there once upon a time not so long ago. I remember the feeling of taboo as I used to look around me. Things didn't seem right. But now, as I stare up into the sky, I can only feel grandiose and super. But I'm a new convert. A newbie. A novice. An amateur. Things don't always settle well initially, they say. So as I challenge what's up above me, the remnants of my innocence attempt to expel some sort of sense of shame into my blood stream.
Weak Nausea.
It goes away.
The rain continues to fall, the skies light up, their anger focused on my vehemence.
The child has blossomed into a black rose of some sort. I feel a slight sense of remorse but it's weak enough to dissipate soon. The rain feels good. So does this new way of life. So do the decisions I make.
I've won. Or lost.
What do I know?
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Somewhere in the United States
Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I.....crave you.
They stare at me while I.....crave you.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Generation Lost
We're a closed off generation- a generation motivated by so-called strength and power, repulsed by weakness and emotions. We drive ourselves on pent up frustration masked behind false exteriors; our lives are governed by passive-aggression, weak impulse control abilities and an array of unresolved conflicts. But why? Is it weak of us to experience pain and anxiety? Does it make us less "legit"? Do hiding, denying our truths and regressing from our true selves make us better human beings? The answers to all these questions are, obviously, subjective; but in my time of observing those around me- friends, coworkers, family members etc- I cannot help but notice that the trend of projecting certain cemented carvings of oneself to others is just part of the norm.
We are slowly but surely forgetting the importance of feeling, of living in the moment with our emotions, of being able to identify how we feel- often, in response to the notorious "How do you feel?" you're more likely to receive an "I don't know" or "I'm great!" rather than that specific adjective you're looking for. We've become to used to the pretentious facades that we desperately try to uphold in social situations that we've forgotten what it's like to feel...to hurt, to despair, to be weak, to be elated- to be in touch with ourselves. It's rather sad. I, myself am a victim of this malice, unfortunately. But who can we blame? It's not as if we conspired with each other to create this virus.
Really?
I'm not too sure about that. Humans are selfish beings- we are the center of our respective universes. No one is allowed to enter beyond a certain a locus- something that we should respect about one another- it's the legitimate privacy that someone should be endowed with. However, at the other end of the spectrum lies the child within us- the aspect of our self which seeks to expose and express itself honestly and freely. It is this part of ourselves that we fear to let other people see.
Our frailty is, now, thought of as something that other people can't handle- afterall, everyone is too submerged in their own selfish needs and desires to want to accept added baggage on their shoulders. Thus, in response, we tend to mask ourselves- we want to be the heroes- the Batman's and the Superman's and the Wonderwoman's of the world- so much so, that we forget that it's okay to be weak once in a while. It's okay to sit down, cry and think about everything that has gone wrong in our lives. It's okay to miss someone you're not "supposed" to miss. It's okay to tell someone that you're going to miss them after they leave. It's okay to hug someone when you feel like it. None of the above (and other things) make us weaker human beings- in effect, they just prove that, at the end of the day, we're just humans. We're meant to feel. We're supposed to feel that anxious knot in our stomachs when something bad happens. We're supposed to cry when someone hurts us. We're supposed to sweat and palpitate when in danger. We're supposed to smile and laugh when we're happy about something. There's no point in trying to hide it, to mask it, to not act upon a feeling if you feel it coming- someday or the other, it IS going to come out- in one way or the other. Why wait?
What we need now, in today's messed up robotic world, is a release, an expansion of one's locus of interest and a greater endeavor to feel ourselves and reach that self-actualising potential that is impatiently waiting to be discovered within each and every one of us.
We are slowly but surely forgetting the importance of feeling, of living in the moment with our emotions, of being able to identify how we feel- often, in response to the notorious "How do you feel?" you're more likely to receive an "I don't know" or "I'm great!" rather than that specific adjective you're looking for. We've become to used to the pretentious facades that we desperately try to uphold in social situations that we've forgotten what it's like to feel...to hurt, to despair, to be weak, to be elated- to be in touch with ourselves. It's rather sad. I, myself am a victim of this malice, unfortunately. But who can we blame? It's not as if we conspired with each other to create this virus.
Really?
I'm not too sure about that. Humans are selfish beings- we are the center of our respective universes. No one is allowed to enter beyond a certain a locus- something that we should respect about one another- it's the legitimate privacy that someone should be endowed with. However, at the other end of the spectrum lies the child within us- the aspect of our self which seeks to expose and express itself honestly and freely. It is this part of ourselves that we fear to let other people see.
Our frailty is, now, thought of as something that other people can't handle- afterall, everyone is too submerged in their own selfish needs and desires to want to accept added baggage on their shoulders. Thus, in response, we tend to mask ourselves- we want to be the heroes- the Batman's and the Superman's and the Wonderwoman's of the world- so much so, that we forget that it's okay to be weak once in a while. It's okay to sit down, cry and think about everything that has gone wrong in our lives. It's okay to miss someone you're not "supposed" to miss. It's okay to tell someone that you're going to miss them after they leave. It's okay to hug someone when you feel like it. None of the above (and other things) make us weaker human beings- in effect, they just prove that, at the end of the day, we're just humans. We're meant to feel. We're supposed to feel that anxious knot in our stomachs when something bad happens. We're supposed to cry when someone hurts us. We're supposed to sweat and palpitate when in danger. We're supposed to smile and laugh when we're happy about something. There's no point in trying to hide it, to mask it, to not act upon a feeling if you feel it coming- someday or the other, it IS going to come out- in one way or the other. Why wait?
What we need now, in today's messed up robotic world, is a release, an expansion of one's locus of interest and a greater endeavor to feel ourselves and reach that self-actualising potential that is impatiently waiting to be discovered within each and every one of us.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Case #1
X is a 20 year old female who had been married off when she was about to give her last matric examination. According to her mother, who I had earlier mistaken to be her elder sister, explains how X used to be a lively, clever and intelligent girl before fights in her in laws' family broke out. Her husband began receiving death threats from their neighbors due to a fight with X's brother in law. The first time that her husband was threatened, her mother reports that X fell to the ground while conscious. Ever since then, X's mental health has deteriorated profusely. What initially began with disorganized affect (anger outbursts, crying spells, irritation and high levels of aggression), slight insomnia and lower productivity levels has now blossomed into a complete inability to do anything more than sit in one place all day and stare off into space. Her mother and grandmother report that she often talks to herself, refuses to eat (vomits if forced to eat) and communicate with others, has begun urinating without control, takes off her clothes in inappropriate surroundings, does not know her own name when asked (gives some other name), and breaks into bursts of screaming (yells out her husbands name). She does not show any signs of physical mobility. It was reported that she had to be physically hauled out of the rickshaw she was brought to the hospital in this morning.
She has been sitting in front of me for the past hour and has remained in a static position all this time: eyes closed, expressionless with the back of her head resting against the wall behind her. As her grandmother asks her if she'd like to drink water, X opens her eyes momentarily but closes them again. Thus, she remains conscious but the medicines that she was given the previous day seem to have had a hypnotic effect on her. The psychiatrist next to me tries to make some sort of communication initiative by speaking to her, calling out X's name, slightly nudging her- but there is no response whatsoever.
X's mother and grandmother look dejected and disappointed as they watch X in the state that she is in. They are all that she has left since her husband and in laws chucked her out of their house. the doctor recommends immediate hospitalization in the mental health ward I am working in, so that a proper diagnosis can be laid out. for now, nothing can be said as to what X is suffering from but from the looks of it, it seems like a symptom of post traumatic stress coupled with psychotic depression.
A follow up in the coming weeks is likely to reveal more.
She has been sitting in front of me for the past hour and has remained in a static position all this time: eyes closed, expressionless with the back of her head resting against the wall behind her. As her grandmother asks her if she'd like to drink water, X opens her eyes momentarily but closes them again. Thus, she remains conscious but the medicines that she was given the previous day seem to have had a hypnotic effect on her. The psychiatrist next to me tries to make some sort of communication initiative by speaking to her, calling out X's name, slightly nudging her- but there is no response whatsoever.
X's mother and grandmother look dejected and disappointed as they watch X in the state that she is in. They are all that she has left since her husband and in laws chucked her out of their house. the doctor recommends immediate hospitalization in the mental health ward I am working in, so that a proper diagnosis can be laid out. for now, nothing can be said as to what X is suffering from but from the looks of it, it seems like a symptom of post traumatic stress coupled with psychotic depression.
A follow up in the coming weeks is likely to reveal more.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Congratulations
A short post, just to get it off my chest....
I survived today. I don't know how or even why, but I did.
I'd like to self-congratulate myself.
Congratulations.
I survived today. I don't know how or even why, but I did.
I'd like to self-congratulate myself.
Congratulations.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Metastasis
Day 2:
I feel....I don't know how I feel actually. It's a whirlpool of emotions; hard to identify and explain. More stable now; think things might be making more sense now. I'm not sure if I'm shocked or not...or in a state of shock...there's something there; a thudding, vibrating pain of some sort, a constantly present elephant in every room, every corner I go to. I'd like it to leave but I don't think that's possible any more. I took the step of writing that letter this morning- it was hard. I guess, unlike what i'd previously thought, the third time isn't a charm. Or whatever. Life must go on – despite the strong urge I'm experiencing to remain sitting here for the rest of it. I idealise myself to be consistently strong, but the weakness is hard to ignore. It's something that I must develop. Something tells me that my mind might be over-exaggerating the situation; it may not be as bad as I might be construing it to be.
It's a very “wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then” sort of situation. It's like a permanent scar that is going to remain with you all your life, whether or not things work out. This moment can't be reversed; memories cannot be altered, emotions cannot be controlled and regrets cannot be rectified now. It's a little too late. But all you can do it to wait it out, cope and.....carry on.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Say It Isn't So
Do you know how it feels to have your world crash down on you?
Do you know what it's like to feel like everything around you is a nightmare?
Have you ever felt a hopelessly desperate need to turn back time?
Have you ever felt such grounding regret that it makes you want to physically hurt yourself?
Do you feel a lack of faith resonate your body like an earthquake?
Do you know what it feels like to be a helpless bystander?
Have you ever felt your future hopes and dreams become unimaginable?
Do you know what it's like to hate God?
No?
Imagine all of this hitting you like a million little pieces- at once.
Do you know what it's like to feel like everything around you is a nightmare?
Have you ever felt a hopelessly desperate need to turn back time?
Have you ever felt such grounding regret that it makes you want to physically hurt yourself?
Do you feel a lack of faith resonate your body like an earthquake?
Do you know what it feels like to be a helpless bystander?
Have you ever felt your future hopes and dreams become unimaginable?
Do you know what it's like to hate God?
No?
Imagine all of this hitting you like a million little pieces- at once.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Let's Celebrate Death
I'd like to quote some of the reactions to OLB's death:
“USA! USA! USA! USA! Bin Laden’s been killed! Just texted every number in my contacts!,” - Random Tweet
“Justice has been done,” - Barack Obama
“We finally got him, justice has been done.” - Senator John McCain
“We welcome the death of one of the world’s most dangerous men and highly appreciate the United States’ help in crushing this global enemy,” - Chairul Akbar, secretary general of the anti—terrorism agency in Indonesia
Osama Bin Laden was no angel- I don't advocate his mission or anything that involves killing people (innocent or “evil”). I can't imagine what distress, trauma and pain those 3000+ victims of 9/11 had to go through before they died; not to mention the people who bore witness to the entire ordeal that morning, and the suffering of the families of the people who were less fortunate had to undergo. It's not easy. As humans we're programmed to be emotional, sensitive and weak. So, whether it's an afghani woman who lost her husband in a drone attack, or an elderly man whose US Armed Forces soldier son died in Iraq by a stray roadside bomb, the feelings of losing a person you love remain constant the world over.
So, how can we sit here and rejoice at the death of ANYONE? It doesn't matter whether or not he/she deserves it- who are you to judge? Who are you the end the life of another person? Revenge is not the answer; it only breeds further contempt and violence. It's like a viscious cycle that is never-ending.
Do I want to be a part of a world that believes that the road to peace lies in the murder of members of the human race?
Food for thought.
“Justice has been done,” - Barack Obama
“We finally got him, justice has been done.” - Senator John McCain
“We welcome the death of one of the world’s most dangerous men and highly appreciate the United States’ help in crushing this global enemy,” - Chairul Akbar, secretary general of the anti—terrorism agency in Indonesia
Osama Bin Laden was no angel- I don't advocate his mission or anything that involves killing people (innocent or “evil”). I can't imagine what distress, trauma and pain those 3000+ victims of 9/11 had to go through before they died; not to mention the people who bore witness to the entire ordeal that morning, and the suffering of the families of the people who were less fortunate had to undergo. It's not easy. As humans we're programmed to be emotional, sensitive and weak. So, whether it's an afghani woman who lost her husband in a drone attack, or an elderly man whose US Armed Forces soldier son died in Iraq by a stray roadside bomb, the feelings of losing a person you love remain constant the world over.
So, how can we sit here and rejoice at the death of ANYONE? It doesn't matter whether or not he/she deserves it- who are you to judge? Who are you the end the life of another person? Revenge is not the answer; it only breeds further contempt and violence. It's like a viscious cycle that is never-ending.
Do I want to be a part of a world that believes that the road to peace lies in the murder of members of the human race?
Food for thought.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Baby Got a Little Problem
Baby got a little problem with the drugs man
And I tried to stop her, well
But she loves them
But I can’t do nothing that, last one man
Her nose keeps on bleeding but it’s, but it’s
but it’s nothing and I
And I won’t forget when, when she said
I lick a ring around this L
So that it burns all night
And I pass round that philly so, so
So we can all get high
You see I never knew
I never had a clue that
That you were capable of love
And I tried to stop her, well
But she loves them
But I can’t do nothing that, last one man
Her nose keeps on bleeding but it’s, but it’s
but it’s nothing and I
And I won’t forget when, when she said
I lick a ring around this L
So that it burns all night
And I pass round that philly so, so
So we can all get high
You see I never knew
I never had a clue that
That you were capable of love
- Capable, K.O
From a Psychotic Girlfriend, With Love: “Five things I'd like to teach the average Pakistani Boyfriend.”
 |
| "So you call me crazy, huh?" |
1) You made your choice, deal with it:
Think back to the time when you began liking your girlfriend (let's name her Sadia to make my writing easier). So, Sadia was just the girl you thought would be perfect for you: she was pretty, confident, intelligent, sociable, had a body you wanted to keep holding all the fucking time, she laughed at your jokes although you knew she didn't find them funny, she gave you those sexual innuendos which were oh-so-appealing....and somehow, despite being a tigress with you, managed to wow your mum with her domesticated facade. So, now, you and Sadia have really hit it off and it's come to that point where you're talking to each other all night, indirectly insinuating your feelings for each other, exhausting your SMS packages more rapidly than usual, and ofcourse, sickening your best friend with the stories of “ OMG ALI SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO LICK MY CALVES LAST NIGHT!”
Eventually, you pop the question..she says yes, obviously and you two become an “item”. The first month is glorious: the excitement, butterflies, the awkward kisses which eventually improve and become amazing, the dates and sweet love talks ofcourse. But one day, Sadia tells you she doesn't like that pair of green Converse sneakers you were absolutely loved. Okay fine. You didn't wear them infront of her.
The pressure increases.
“Salman, I don't like you talking to Ayesha. She's such a slut. Why did she say hello to you? She only said hi to make me jealous!”
“Umm..okay Sadia...I'll try to keep out of her way.”
But it's not enough .
But it's not enough .
“Salman, do you KNOW what Faiz did today? I saw him staring at you. OMG he's gay isnt he! You CAN'T ever talk to him again! Promise me!”
“Sadia he's not gay. He was probably just looking over his shoulder.”
“I'm going to cry! I can't handle this!”, comes the reply as she starts screaming her lungs out until you have no other option but to concur that Faiz, poor thing, is gay with a irreversible crush on you.
Two weeks pass.
You get a text in the middle of the day saying “When you messaged me telling me that you loved me, you didn't add an exclamation mark at the end of it.you wrote “I love you.”, but not “I love you!!!!!” You don't love me anymore! I KNEW it! It's Faiz isn't it! I always knew you were gay! I hate you! I hate your guts! Fuck off! I never want to see you again! I hope you die and get eaten by maggots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “
“Sadia he's not gay. He was probably just looking over his shoulder.”
“I'm going to cry! I can't handle this!”, comes the reply as she starts screaming her lungs out until you have no other option but to concur that Faiz, poor thing, is gay with a irreversible crush on you.
Two weeks pass.
You get a text in the middle of the day saying “When you messaged me telling me that you loved me, you didn't add an exclamation mark at the end of it.you wrote “I love you.”, but not “I love you!!!!!” You don't love me anymore! I KNEW it! It's Faiz isn't it! I always knew you were gay! I hate you! I hate your guts! Fuck off! I never want to see you again! I hope you die and get eaten by maggots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “
Silence.
Well, Salman. You made the choice, so now you have to live with it. I don't understand why boys don't expect girls to be emotional. It's like its some sort of revelation to them when they experience it first hand. And they react in two ways; they either a) flake out b) cry
Relationships aren't only about what you know of the person when you first start going out with him/her, but about the new aspects you discover; and yeah, that could mean that you run the risk of finding out that your girlfriend is a serial rapist (if you're really lucky).
Like honestly, if you want no drama, no emo bullshit....go out with yourself. Masturbate. Your dick is your best friend for life.
2) No, I will not wear a shuttlecock burqa to that crazy party happening on Saturday night.
No, we don't live in 400 BC anymore. No we don't all support the Taliban. Yes, we like being sluts at times. No, I will not wear that shirt with a neckline that reaches my chin. No, my dad's name is not Osama Bin Laden.
Boys think it's very sweet and caring and affectionate of them to impose restrictions on their girlfriends which conserve their girlfriends reputation and dignity. But honestly, it's pissing off.
Do I tell you to pull your pants up when your swagger around with half of your bright green boxers visible to the world? No. I don't care.
Don't tell me who I can or cannot go out with. Don't order my food for me; yes I want that deep friend chicken drowned in heavy garlic mayo cream with a side order of potato wedges AND fries.
Well, Salman. You made the choice, so now you have to live with it. I don't understand why boys don't expect girls to be emotional. It's like its some sort of revelation to them when they experience it first hand. And they react in two ways; they either a) flake out b) cry
Relationships aren't only about what you know of the person when you first start going out with him/her, but about the new aspects you discover; and yeah, that could mean that you run the risk of finding out that your girlfriend is a serial rapist (if you're really lucky).
Like honestly, if you want no drama, no emo bullshit....go out with yourself. Masturbate. Your dick is your best friend for life.
2) No, I will not wear a shuttlecock burqa to that crazy party happening on Saturday night.
No, we don't live in 400 BC anymore. No we don't all support the Taliban. Yes, we like being sluts at times. No, I will not wear that shirt with a neckline that reaches my chin. No, my dad's name is not Osama Bin Laden.
Boys think it's very sweet and caring and affectionate of them to impose restrictions on their girlfriends which conserve their girlfriends reputation and dignity. But honestly, it's pissing off.
Do I tell you to pull your pants up when your swagger around with half of your bright green boxers visible to the world? No. I don't care.
Don't tell me who I can or cannot go out with. Don't order my food for me; yes I want that deep friend chicken drowned in heavy garlic mayo cream with a side order of potato wedges AND fries.
Don't stop me from consuming what I want to consume. That's my personal duel with God. You have your demons to battle when God will be asking you about that time your mom caught you having sex with your ex-girlfriend in your dadi's bed.
Yes, I will act like a retard on ecstacy if I want to. I will be loud and obnoxious. I will cuss in urdu and laugh like a mad-man if I want to. Don't make that disgusted face.
You chose to be with me.
And NO. I will NOT cancel my plans with my girlfriends just because you're free after hanging out with your boys all day. No, I will not.
3) I'm not your maid.
Just because I'm a girl doesnt mean I'm your maid.
I will not wash your underwear.
I will not make your bed.
I will cook for you once in a while but don't make it a regular expectation.
If you pee'd you pants by mistake, no I will not sit there and lovingly wash your boxers for you (the same applies if you thought you needed to fart but accidently soiled yourself).
Yes, I might enjoy some of the things I do for you because I like/love you, but that doesn't mean that you don't reciprocate. If I ask you to do something for me, don't be a selfish bitch- be caring enough as to listen to me. So what if I want you to give me a bikini wax? So what if I ask you to play dress up with me and cats? So what if I want you to wash my period stained jeans?
Yes, I will act like a retard on ecstacy if I want to. I will be loud and obnoxious. I will cuss in urdu and laugh like a mad-man if I want to. Don't make that disgusted face.
You chose to be with me.
And NO. I will NOT cancel my plans with my girlfriends just because you're free after hanging out with your boys all day. No, I will not.
3) I'm not your maid.
Just because I'm a girl doesnt mean I'm your maid.
I will not wash your underwear.
I will not make your bed.
I will cook for you once in a while but don't make it a regular expectation.
If you pee'd you pants by mistake, no I will not sit there and lovingly wash your boxers for you (the same applies if you thought you needed to fart but accidently soiled yourself).
Yes, I might enjoy some of the things I do for you because I like/love you, but that doesn't mean that you don't reciprocate. If I ask you to do something for me, don't be a selfish bitch- be caring enough as to listen to me. So what if I want you to give me a bikini wax? So what if I ask you to play dress up with me and cats? So what if I want you to wash my period stained jeans?
Reciproate. Balance it out. Equalise the relationship. Don't expect things from me that you expect your maid to do.
4) Yes, I will complain, nag, seek attention, be pampered. I have a vagina.
Did you think that I was born without emotions? Just because I was all cool and composed with you initially doesn't mean that I don't want to occassionally yell at you, cuss you out, cry my eyes out, want you all to myself, expect surprises from you, be taken out on dates, be pampered, be taken to that new boutique that just opened up although you detest going shopping or being bought that flower randomly?
Yes, I'd like you to empathise with me and give me what I want. Don't get pissed off when I get my period. Did I choose my biology? I'm not a customized Subway sandwich.
Yes I will get pissed at you during my time of the month. Understand. What if you had blood coming out of your vagina for 5 days straight every month of your fucking life till you were 50?
4) Yes, I will complain, nag, seek attention, be pampered. I have a vagina.
Did you think that I was born without emotions? Just because I was all cool and composed with you initially doesn't mean that I don't want to occassionally yell at you, cuss you out, cry my eyes out, want you all to myself, expect surprises from you, be taken out on dates, be pampered, be taken to that new boutique that just opened up although you detest going shopping or being bought that flower randomly?
Yes, I'd like you to empathise with me and give me what I want. Don't get pissed off when I get my period. Did I choose my biology? I'm not a customized Subway sandwich.
Yes I will get pissed at you during my time of the month. Understand. What if you had blood coming out of your vagina for 5 days straight every month of your fucking life till you were 50?
What if you had to either wear a mini pillow between your legs or stick a oversized capsule in your vagina (which by the way, you hadto pull out with a string that was attached to it. What if the string broke? Whatchu gonn' do now, huh?)
Don't give me bullshit about your 'bro's over hoe's” policy. I bet if I told you I was lying waiting in your bed with only a rose in my mouth, you'd immediately forget all about this “bro code”. I don't mean for you to ignore your friends, but maintain a balance. I'm not your pet iguana.
Don't give me bullshit about your 'bro's over hoe's” policy. I bet if I told you I was lying waiting in your bed with only a rose in my mouth, you'd immediately forget all about this “bro code”. I don't mean for you to ignore your friends, but maintain a balance. I'm not your pet iguana.
5) You're the man. Act like a man, not a statue.
Please don't act like a pussy. You don't have one.
Don't be an emo little prick. Don't cry everytime we fight. Stand up for me when you need to (but don't over-protect me).
No I don't want a 10 page letter in my inbox after every fight we have, in which you tell me about how your feelings were hurt and how you were about to cry but stopped yourself until after I hung up.
No.
No I don't want a 10 page letter in my inbox after every fight we have, in which you tell me about how your feelings were hurt and how you were about to cry but stopped yourself until after I hung up.
No.
But then again, don't be an emotionless statue. If I ask you how your day was , don't tell me you don't know. You have feelings, you're human.
And lastly....when I go bra shopping, NO you cannot come inside the changing room with me.
And lastly....when I go bra shopping, NO you cannot come inside the changing room with me.
Monday, May 09, 2011
Happy Birthday to Me
10th may. One day till I turn 22 and I feel this uneasy sense of anxiety seeping through my body. I can't explain where it's coming from and how EXACTLY it's making me feel. It's a sense of fear of moving forward and of adding a year to my life. It's scary. I know I'm not turning 50 or something, but if I really think about it, just a couple of years ago, 22 seemed like s huge number- and now, here I am...22 in 24 hours.
Life has passed by pretty quickly. It seems as if it was just yesterday that I was standing in the morning assembly line at school, aged 10. Life was so easy back then. People were so pure. The world didn't have so many expectations from you; your responsibilities revolved around completing your homework (colouring geographical maps, making sentences of the 5 new words you had learnt at school that day). Your friends were innocent and young- you'd play baraf/paani during school break times, you'd cry because a boy would hit you, the most scandalous thing you'd hear was about someone being caught reading sweet valley UNIVERSITY instead of TWINS during library period. Those were the good days. You had no regrets, no feeling of emptiness, regret or societal pressures controlling your every move. You were left to yourself to express yourself and be who you felt you wanted to be. You didn't know what the world was really like so you were always in a hurry to grow up- to SAY that you were a teenager, to experience independence and autonomy, to sit on that stage on your wedding day in that carefully picked out wedding dress. These were your dreams. You wanted to be that doctor, that actress, that vet, that model, that journalist- these were your goals.
But you always wanted more. You didn't know that growing up and entering the world was no walk in the park; you didn't realise that what you had was what older people envied- youth, freedom and carelessness.
You'd go to sleep and wake up with thoughts of that boy you'd had a crush on for months- the biggest heartbreak was the fact that he didn't know that you existed. So you'd do everything you could to be noticed. You'd feel conscious every time you'd see him- you wondered whether he thought you were pretty or not, were you talking okay, would he be interested in you? You'd fantasize about that day when he'd finally come up to you and profess his romantic inclination for you- but more often than never would this actually materialize.
You would jump around, play, skip, dance, scream and shout like no one was watching. Your egocentricity was a gift that you didn't treasure as much as you should because you were too busy yearning to grow up. You hated being told what to do by your parents, not being allowed to go to park towers without someones mom following you around everywhere you went, being told what sort of clothes you were and weren't allowed to wear outside the house, being interrogated about that boy you had begun talking to on the phone late at night, amongst other things.
Your parents were your enemies. In your eyes, you were the know-all. Their experience didn't count for shit. You'd have regular fights with them over the get togethers and parties they wouldn't allow you to attend, the boys who they felt were getting too chummy with you and of course..the constant negotiations about your curfew.
Life was good. We just didn't know it. And it's probably the same right now. On the night before my 40th birthday. I might look back at my twenties and wish that I'd been more grateful Of my youth. And I am. But I still can't help but fear growing up. This birthday brings me closer to significant life events such as graduating from college, having to get a job, getting married, managing married life, raising a family etc. I'll never get this time of my life back again. It'll never be the same again. And as much as I want to sit here and try to treasure this moment and this age, I can't help but feel like rewinding and starting my life from scratch. I have regrets that I wish to amend, experiences that I'd like to relive, people who I'd like to meet again, family traditions that I'd like to reignite, actions that I'd like to undo, bad decisions that I'd like to correct and peace of mind that I'd please like back.
Our innocence is something of the past, and corruption is the thing of the present. Sometimes I think about the effort our parents put into trying to lead us on to the right path- the lengths they'd go to to make sure that we learnt to differentiate between right and wrong so that we could preserve our innocence, so that we'd would become good human beings. What would they think now? Have we done justice to their love? Have we cheated them in a way? What will it be like when we have children of our own? If only our parents knew.
So here I am. One day before my birthday, looking back on my life, thinking about the good times and the bad. I've had a pretty fucking good life. Gods been very kind to my family and myself. I've gotten everything that i ever wanted- whether or not it was beyond our means. I'm not emotionally scarred in any way- any regrets that I have are due to my own decisions and actions ; they cannot be blamed on anyone else but myself and I'm okay with that. I want to stay where i am. I don't want to grow up. I want live life in rewind, if that's possible. I know that's not possible but it's worth wishing for.
Happy birthday.
Life has passed by pretty quickly. It seems as if it was just yesterday that I was standing in the morning assembly line at school, aged 10. Life was so easy back then. People were so pure. The world didn't have so many expectations from you; your responsibilities revolved around completing your homework (colouring geographical maps, making sentences of the 5 new words you had learnt at school that day). Your friends were innocent and young- you'd play baraf/paani during school break times, you'd cry because a boy would hit you, the most scandalous thing you'd hear was about someone being caught reading sweet valley UNIVERSITY instead of TWINS during library period. Those were the good days. You had no regrets, no feeling of emptiness, regret or societal pressures controlling your every move. You were left to yourself to express yourself and be who you felt you wanted to be. You didn't know what the world was really like so you were always in a hurry to grow up- to SAY that you were a teenager, to experience independence and autonomy, to sit on that stage on your wedding day in that carefully picked out wedding dress. These were your dreams. You wanted to be that doctor, that actress, that vet, that model, that journalist- these were your goals.
But you always wanted more. You didn't know that growing up and entering the world was no walk in the park; you didn't realise that what you had was what older people envied- youth, freedom and carelessness.
You'd go to sleep and wake up with thoughts of that boy you'd had a crush on for months- the biggest heartbreak was the fact that he didn't know that you existed. So you'd do everything you could to be noticed. You'd feel conscious every time you'd see him- you wondered whether he thought you were pretty or not, were you talking okay, would he be interested in you? You'd fantasize about that day when he'd finally come up to you and profess his romantic inclination for you- but more often than never would this actually materialize.
You would jump around, play, skip, dance, scream and shout like no one was watching. Your egocentricity was a gift that you didn't treasure as much as you should because you were too busy yearning to grow up. You hated being told what to do by your parents, not being allowed to go to park towers without someones mom following you around everywhere you went, being told what sort of clothes you were and weren't allowed to wear outside the house, being interrogated about that boy you had begun talking to on the phone late at night, amongst other things.
Your parents were your enemies. In your eyes, you were the know-all. Their experience didn't count for shit. You'd have regular fights with them over the get togethers and parties they wouldn't allow you to attend, the boys who they felt were getting too chummy with you and of course..the constant negotiations about your curfew.
Life was good. We just didn't know it. And it's probably the same right now. On the night before my 40th birthday. I might look back at my twenties and wish that I'd been more grateful Of my youth. And I am. But I still can't help but fear growing up. This birthday brings me closer to significant life events such as graduating from college, having to get a job, getting married, managing married life, raising a family etc. I'll never get this time of my life back again. It'll never be the same again. And as much as I want to sit here and try to treasure this moment and this age, I can't help but feel like rewinding and starting my life from scratch. I have regrets that I wish to amend, experiences that I'd like to relive, people who I'd like to meet again, family traditions that I'd like to reignite, actions that I'd like to undo, bad decisions that I'd like to correct and peace of mind that I'd please like back.
Our innocence is something of the past, and corruption is the thing of the present. Sometimes I think about the effort our parents put into trying to lead us on to the right path- the lengths they'd go to to make sure that we learnt to differentiate between right and wrong so that we could preserve our innocence, so that we'd would become good human beings. What would they think now? Have we done justice to their love? Have we cheated them in a way? What will it be like when we have children of our own? If only our parents knew.
So here I am. One day before my birthday, looking back on my life, thinking about the good times and the bad. I've had a pretty fucking good life. Gods been very kind to my family and myself. I've gotten everything that i ever wanted- whether or not it was beyond our means. I'm not emotionally scarred in any way- any regrets that I have are due to my own decisions and actions ; they cannot be blamed on anyone else but myself and I'm okay with that. I want to stay where i am. I don't want to grow up. I want live life in rewind, if that's possible. I know that's not possible but it's worth wishing for.
Happy birthday.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
My Personal Dragon
I was going through Psychology Today and chanced upon this beautiful article that I'd like to share:
A long time ago, in the middle of a great countryside, there was a village terrorized by a dragon. A young knight came to its rescue, charging the dragon on his trusted steed. But before he could even get close, the creature merely yawned a fiery yawn and incinerated the poor lad. Then, a more experienced knight, equally fearless, approached the dragon. Using a fine, sturdy sword, he attempted to slay it. But, no matter how hard he swung that sword, it simply bounced off the dragon's scales. The dragon smashed this knight with his mighty tail. Knights from kingdoms far and wide came to demonstrate their courage and strength. They attacked with all manner of weapons - spears, battle-axes, cross-bows, and catapults. But every one lost his life to this great beast. Finally, one day, there appeared a stranger in the village. He was a bit worn down by life and carried no weapons, but he walked with a quiet strength. He asked the townspeople all about the dragon and went to observe it himself. Then, with an intense focus, he slowly - but unhaltingly - approached. And, when the awesome monster opened its mouth - apparently to spit fire - the man simply walked right inside and sat down in the belly of the great beast. After a blast of heat and some angry roars, the dragon disappeared in a puff - leaving the seated man.
I was recently reminded of this tale, which that I had read many years ago (so, more accurately, this is my memory of the tale). What made me think of it was watching a number of patients struggle with being terribly distressed, and wanting desperately out of their current situations. What's that got to do with dragons?
The tale suggests that you should do what you fear most - sit in the belly of your personal monster. That is, develop an inner calmness and strength so that you can sit with your emotions, thoughts, and beliefs.
You might be asking; How could this possibly help? The answer is based in the idea that your emotional distress (or failure to be the person you'd like to be) probably results from your being alienated from yourself. You don't want to feel hurt, so you pretend not to care; that is, until you are overcome by a tsunami of hurt. In an attempt to lose weight, you try to ignore your hunger; but are eventually compelled by an insatiable monster that demands to be fed.
The best way to respond to these experiences isn't to try harder or to pretend that your struggles don't exist. Instead, you must accept your distress; enter into that painful inner landscape, and walk through it.
By doing this, your compulsion to avoid those painful parts of your experience will no longer drive you from yourself. You will learn to tolerate them. And then you will learn to accept them. When you accept your emotions or experiences, no matter how painful or difficult they are, you also more fully accept yourself. You may be sad or angry or lonely; or something else; but once accepted, those experiences will feel 'right,' much as grief - even though it is painful - feels right when you have lost someone you love. In accepting your emotions, you are sitting in the belly of the beast.
Not only does achieving this self-acceptance mean that you can then feel better about yourself, but it is also empowering. It allows you to figure out whether there really is a problem beyond your merely cowering from your emotions. If there is, it enables you to look at it more clearly; and gives you the chance to approach it in a more confident, effective way.
You may wonder how you can learn to accept your emotions when they can be so upsetting and overwhelming. And, this is a good question. Some common ways are with personal journaling, meditation, mindfulnesspractices, and therapy. But just knowing that you need to accept all of your experiences is an important step in itself - because if you are not convinced of its importance, you probably will just continue trying to fight or deny unwanted experiences - a goal doomed to fail.
The tale suggests that you should do what you fear most - sit in the belly of your personal monster. That is, develop an inner calmness and strength so that you can sit with your emotions, thoughts, and beliefs.
You might be asking; How could this possibly help? The answer is based in the idea that your emotional distress (or failure to be the person you'd like to be) probably results from your being alienated from yourself. You don't want to feel hurt, so you pretend not to care; that is, until you are overcome by a tsunami of hurt. In an attempt to lose weight, you try to ignore your hunger; but are eventually compelled by an insatiable monster that demands to be fed.
The best way to respond to these experiences isn't to try harder or to pretend that your struggles don't exist. Instead, you must accept your distress; enter into that painful inner landscape, and walk through it.
By doing this, your compulsion to avoid those painful parts of your experience will no longer drive you from yourself. You will learn to tolerate them. And then you will learn to accept them. When you accept your emotions or experiences, no matter how painful or difficult they are, you also more fully accept yourself. You may be sad or angry or lonely; or something else; but once accepted, those experiences will feel 'right,' much as grief - even though it is painful - feels right when you have lost someone you love. In accepting your emotions, you are sitting in the belly of the beast.
Not only does achieving this self-acceptance mean that you can then feel better about yourself, but it is also empowering. It allows you to figure out whether there really is a problem beyond your merely cowering from your emotions. If there is, it enables you to look at it more clearly; and gives you the chance to approach it in a more confident, effective way.
You may wonder how you can learn to accept your emotions when they can be so upsetting and overwhelming. And, this is a good question. Some common ways are with personal journaling, meditation, mindfulnesspractices, and therapy. But just knowing that you need to accept all of your experiences is an important step in itself - because if you are not convinced of its importance, you probably will just continue trying to fight or deny unwanted experiences - a goal doomed to fail.
useless blog of the month
I'm listening to Rihanna rave about the sadomasochistic pain and pleasure she derives from the use of chains and whips. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to that. It's like humans are so fixated on sexual pleasure that we'd extract it from anything and everything on the planet if it wasn't for the social norms that control our behavior. But thanks, Rihanna. I'm sure you'll be raped and disposed off in a black garbage bag someday soon; you just incited the crazy activation of sex and pleasure neurons in the brains of millions of rapists, sex addicts, serial killers and psychotic perverts from all over the globe. Add your inherent need to take off your clothes and act like a slut to the equation and we've got a winner, ladies and gentlemen!
So, bottom-line: it's great that you're into S&M and all; but girl, I spoke to Chris Brown and he thought he was being your sex-kitten. Clarify the rules of your game next time yeah?
So, bottom-line: it's great that you're into S&M and all; but girl, I spoke to Chris Brown and he thought he was being your sex-kitten. Clarify the rules of your game next time yeah?
Friday, May 06, 2011
Blogging through a shoot-out!!!!
blogging from during a fucking shoot out a Fucking gun battle happening right outside my house!!!! oh my fucking god I can't believe I'm blogging oh my god this is so fucking scary!!!! crazy fucking machine guns gun fire flashes I think someone tried to Rob the house smack opposite to ours. the fucking alarm system isn't even working I dont think I've ever been this scared we're all lying flat on the floor I'm partially under the bed I feel like I'm a war journalist in Iraq or some shit like that. 1250 am it starter and it's 110 am now this is a keepsake blog more than anything yes I'm psychotic blogging. Omg it's getting worse I hear police vans pulling up WTF k I'm out
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