I'm experiencing a sense of unconscionable panic right now. It's hard to explain. I've realized that I've become the sort of person who cannot handle things out of her locus of control: it needs to be in my hand. But the problem is that even when I have that yearned control, I tend to take it for granted- a sort of self handicapping, so to speak. I fear becoming a failure in life due to this recently conceived personality flaw. People around me speak about the strong potential I have to be brilliant- and I know that this brilliance resides in me..somewhere..untouched...
Why is it untouched? Why hasn't it been exploited and used to it's zenith? When you have something, why don't you use it? When you have that control, why don't you exert it? It's analogous to having the ability to see but choosing to walk around with your eyes closed. But I still wonder why this is so..and why is it something that's come about so recently? I was never like it- I was the go-getter, the proactive amazon...why now, when the time has come when I need it the most? Perhaps a sense of overconfidence and having been praised too much? Is it a method of regressing...?
Whatever it is, it needs to stop.
Why is it untouched? Why hasn't it been exploited and used to it's zenith? When you have something, why don't you use it? When you have that control, why don't you exert it? It's analogous to having the ability to see but choosing to walk around with your eyes closed. But I still wonder why this is so..and why is it something that's come about so recently? I was never like it- I was the go-getter, the proactive amazon...why now, when the time has come when I need it the most? Perhaps a sense of overconfidence and having been praised too much? Is it a method of regressing...?
Whatever it is, it needs to stop.
No comments:
Post a Comment