Borderline

An inappropriate song plays in the background. I feel inappropriate. I feel it all coming back to me today and I hate it. Hate you. Not sure if it's hate or if it's something that makes me feel like it's hate. I hate that you ruin the best of my best days- days I look forward to, days I feel complete and amazing. I hate that you take that away from me. I feel as confused as my sentences seem right now. I've been standing at this cross-road for far too long- I'm tired, my stomach feels heavy and my legs feel weak- all the time. I often feel like it's too much to take- as if it would be better if I could put an end to my misery some how. It's burdening, uncomfortable and hurtful...I don't like feeling this way. I don't even know who I'm supposed to blame for this. I blame my sickness. I blame the fact that I can't control it. I can't control you. I can't control how I feel. I want to stop feeling the way I'm feeling..and have been feeling for a long time. I want to be cured. I want to know what it feels like to be normal again. I feel like I don't know what it's like to be the way I used to be- the way people remember me; the way people still see me from the outside. They don't know how much conflict resides in me behind the façade. I hate being this angry all the time. I hate having this sickness. I wish I could get someone to wave a wand and figure this out for me. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I'd like that. 

 In the midst of all of this, I miss you but know that it's not "you"- it's "it". I'm tired. I feel unstable. I feel labelled. I feel Borderline.